The last few days have been bright but cold here in Finland as we slowly approach winter. I don’t get to experience how the seasons change outside because I'm basically bedbound by severe myalgic encephalomyelitis. However, I still feel the impact in my bedroom, especially when the temperature drops. I had to protect myself from the cold and ask my mother for something warm to wear because I can’t reach my clothes in the closet myself. The pile next to me in bed consists of the basics that I wear day to day, but this week they wouldn’t offer enough warmth.
My father’s old woollen cardigan.
The old cardigan has protected me from the cold.
Earlier this month we looked through some of my father’s old clothes. He died of cancer in January 2022. Some of his belongings had already continued their journeys when my mom took them to different charities. The navy double-breasted cardigan, made of thick wool, was saved. It was made in Finland of all places (I don’t think there are many companies, if any, left today that would produce something like this domestically). It was given to my dad, probably in the 80s, by his employer – a small logo in the left pocket reminds us of that (talk about corporate logos actually being decent back in the day!).
My dad gave me his old graduation watch as a Christmas gift in 2020.
The basically good-as-new cardigan now belongs to me. I think it’s a bit sad that it was hardly worn, because clothes are meant to be used. The passage of time is beautiful to behold, I think. I already had some of my father’s old belongings. He gave me his graduation watch a year before his passing as a Christmas gift. Like the cardigan, the watch had been forgotten and stored in his closet for decades before it was serviced for me to use. I don’t mind the scratched crystal, because I don’t need to tell the time anymore, not since ending up bedbound. I still wear it sometimes, and it’s my first option to put on my wrist if I ‘dress up’, which is something that doesn’t happen that often. My strict routines imposed by my illness work like a Swiss watch without needing one anyway.
My dad's old Ray-Bans protect me from the bright hospital lights in 2024.
Another one of his items I own is a pair of vintage Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses from the 80s, when they were still made by Bausch & Lomb. I wanted to wear them so I replaced the lenses, but then my illness progressed from moderate to very severe in June 2022. They did come in handy when I could no longer withstand any light. I wore them during the journey when I was moved from another city back to my childhood home in July of 2022. They did their best to protect me in a hostile environment in a hospital in October of 2022 when a nurse turned on the lights on purpose despite our agreement to keep me in a dark room. Of course, I own other sunglasses, but for some reason these were the ones I chose in the moment of great danger. In the end, these are only meaningless items in the grand scheme of things, but they are something tangible that reminds me of my dad.
My father's funeral was a small gathering due to COVID restrictions.
I was able to participate in my father’s funeral and the burial of his ashes on a different day despite having moderate ME, but since the burial, I haven’t been able to visit his grave because my illness got so much worse. I don’t know if I ever will. My dad was a very typical man of his generation; he worked hard to provide for his family, and he never talked about feelings, at least not with his children. When his strength was slowly taken by cancer, his understanding of my situation increased. We didn’t really talk about it like that, but I noticed how he understood. He never doubted my illness to begin with, but I understand it can be hard to really know what it is like. About six months before his passing his capacity was more at the level of my then moderate ME. I don’t think he ever experienced the same level of loss of function as I did when I had very, or briefly extremely, severe ME. When it comes to cancer you will die, but with ME it could go on for decades.
I never really got to deal with or mourn my father’s passing due to ending up in such a difficult situation not too long after it happened. It feels like time and the past have been warped. I float in a vast emptiness where those things just fly by or they spin around me at a fast pace. Those things almost feel like they aren’t real events. But they’re very real; it’s just that ME makes it hard to feel them. Things are a lot better than they were in my worst moment, but in a sense, danger continues to lurk in the background – my situation never resolved. I still haven’t got enough room to breathe. There is sadly nothing that can protect me from severe ME, but at least the cardigan in some ways protects the memory of my father – it’s also nice to wear it and it brings me some joy amidst everything that’s going on.
